Bland

I think of everything.

The guy I like.

The friends I have.

The me, I always know, and yet always don't know.

I like him for longer than anyone could have imagined. I probably liked him from the very start. But I fear, I fear we are too young. Maybe we are too young to speak of love. Or perhaps I am as naive as that to fail in differentiating crush and love. I have never doubted my feelings. I have never waver from my affections for him. But people come and go. I find myself wondering. I find myself disconcerting. I find myself shattering. And I find myself realizing, that I was a fool, that I am a fool from the very start, but is too blind to notice.

Who are my friends? Who are my enemies? Who are my chums? Who are my foes? I do not know. I no longer know. I am lost amidst gossip and a bogus clique. I want nothing else. I want friendship. Friendship of loyalty. If that is too much to ask for, I admit my greed. I admit it, out clean. But I still desire it. I strove for it, I prayed for it. But every effort is belittled, every hope is trampled. I am deluded by betrayers, such an idiot like me exists. Till in the end, I found I face a hopeless social ring. Worse comes to the worst, I am desolated. Lost amidst the crowds. Lone.

I don't know what am I becoming. I don't know what I am turning into. I don't know what I am after. I don't know what I desire. I don't know what am I doing. I don't know a crap, who am I.

What am I becoming? What am I turning into? What am I after? What do I desire? What am I doing?

Who am I?

Who is there to lead me?

Who is there to hold my hand?

Who is there to bring me back on my way?

Who is there by my side?

Who, really, is there?